Radical Acceptance

Most of us spend much of our lives in an argument that we can never win: an argument with reality. If you pay close attention, you can recognize that any dissatisfaction, anger, frustration, or suffering that you experience in your life is due to your believing that things “should” or “must” be some way, but in reality, they are another way. Unfortunately for us, as long as we need things to be a certain way in our lives, whether that is the environment around us being a certain way (having a certain job, partner, number of friends, etc.) or our internal environment being a certain way (always being happy, not angry, not tense, not anxious, not feeling physical pain, etc.) then we will suffer, because inevitably all our needs cannot be permanently met. A key difference to be noted here is the difference between psychological suffering, which can be targeted with therapy/mindset changes, and physical pain, which may be unavoidable.

This is not to say that it is wrong to have preferences for our internal and external environment to be a certain way, but the problem arises when we “attach” to the narrative that we “need” things to be a certain way. An analogy to help illustrate this point could be that of the difference between the level of contentment between a picky eater versus a flexible one. If the picky eater doesn’t get exactly what they “should” or “need” to eat, then they’ll be frustrated and might even avoid the meal. In contrast, a flexible eater would likely still have preferences for what they eat, but will be content regardless of what food ends up on their plate, and aren’t going to suffer when their preferences aren’t met. Again, the picky eater isn’t “wrong” for being picky with what they eat, but we can’t always control what food is served to us; we can only control our expectations about what kind of food we need in order to be satisfied. In this one small way, the flexible eater is able to experience a greater sense of ease and freedom than the picky eater, despite them both having the same meal in front of them.

The mechanism that enables you to move towards a sense of satisfaction and contentment in your life is called Radical Acceptance. It’s about recognizing what the reality in front of our eyes is, and accepting it without thinking it should be different. This doesn’t mean the reality is “good,” “fair,” or “right,” but it simply is. Because we suffer when we think that what is actually should be different, by accepting and giving up the fight with what is, we can accept and be content with the reality we are in.

A widely known demonstration of radical acceptance is that of the Serenity Prayer to “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference." At the end of the day, we can either be a victim of our circumstances and spend our lives arguing with the reality that we are in and can’t control, or we can focus our energy on what we can control: our reactions and expectations.

Radical acceptance pairs well with both mindfulness and CBT, as we can start to recognize the ways in which we are arguing with reality by training our mindfulness skills, and can alter those expectations by using CBT approaches. Once the general foundation of this approach is applied, we can then also begin to recognize that much like we can drop the expectations of how the environment around us “should be,” we can also begin to drop expectations for how the internal environment of our minds “should be.” This is the deeper approach to radical acceptance, and what will enable you to bring a deeper sense of contentment and peace to your mind. At this point, rather than attempting to control or change the “should statements” that are found in our thoughts or the uncomfortable bodily sensations that come up during times of emotional distress, we can practice actively embracing and witnessing (as opposed to rejecting and identifying with) our thinking and bodily sensations, so that you can drop the inner battle with your own mind and experience. This is where experiential approaches, such as emotional exposures may be helpful in session.